New Beginnings

08Dec09

Wow, has it really been nearly a month of me blogging? Sorry!

This post has been a long time coming and is really needed at this moment in time.

I’ve been through a lot this year and I’ve managed to work through a lot of things and now I feel I am at a turning point in my life where it’s time to take control and do something about it.

For those of you who don’t know, I was feeling very down at the beginning of the year. I was so low I felt like I wasn’t coping with things that life was throwing at me, I was struggling to keep my head above water and it looked like things weren’t going to get any better. In the end I made a very tough decision and booked myself in with an appointment to see my local GP. We had a very long chat and I came out with a prescription for some anti-depressants, which I’m still on.

They have made such a huge difference to my life. I’ve been able to focus on things including my own needs, which had become something I couldn’t previously do. It was all about making everyone surrounding me happy despite how I felt. I can finally make decisions without having to ask a poll of 100 people and still choosing what everyone around me wanted. I also began to change from the quiet little mouse I once was to someone who I believe is the real me.

I’ve even managed to join college and do something I’ve always wanted to do, and losing weight was another huge achievement for me and I’m so proud of myself for coming so far.

It sounds like a giant cliché, but I feel as if I’ve finally become who I should have been all along, someone who was supressed and couldn’t quite be heard because the doubt kept pouring over me and batting me down. I’ve managed to grow from the little girl I was a few months ago to being a fully grown woman. And it’s about bloody time!

This year has been a year of putting things right and getting myself to a place I want to be. For me to start all over again and live my life how I want to. Not anyone else.

I’ve had some troubles at work recently and I’m still reeling from it all. Having a “friend”/colleague say nasty things about me to my face, to ignore me and then say it’s all my fault, making my life hell at work. It’s all just the tip of a very large iceberg. I’ve not liked my job for a long time – I’m not going anywhere, there is no career there.

One thing I’ve learnt from all of this is to never get too close to a colleague because in the end it may just cause a whole lot of grief.

This woman was someone I turned to and who has played a large part in helping me, but I started to listen to her far too much. I started to do what she told me to do despite it being against everything everyone else said. I’d do it to keep her happy. Maybe to keep her as my friend? (With hindsight, I don’t think so.) We’ve now argued and broken up, and now have supposedly made-up but I can’t get all of the things she said out of my head. This woman is 50 years old and behaved like a 12 year old!

Because of all this I’ve really re-evaluated my life and decided something has to change. I’m fed up of being walked over and molly coddled. Of having decisions made for me by someone like that.

It’s time to change.

And now is the time, the starting platform for me to change my life and do things how I want to do them. I’m going to look for a new job, to get out of the rut I’m stuck in and away from the woman who is currently making life hell for me. I’m going to sort out my finances, save, buy a new car and generally live how I want to live. There will be some big changes and some small changes, but they will all be directed by me and what I want to do.

This has been hard to write, but two people have inspired me to do so.

xXxOnnaxXx spoke about her depression and her life in one of her recent youtube videos. Onna made me realise depression is nothing to be ashamed of or that needs hiding. There are plenty of people out there in similar circumstances. Her video spoke volumes to me.

Then there is Kelly from Kelanjo19 who has made a video all about believing to achieve. Another video which made me think that I can do this, and I can get on with what I want to do, that I can achieve anything!

Both of these videos came at the right time. A time I was needing something to make me move forward and realise I can accomplish anything I put my mind to. Thank you girls!

Thanks x

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One Response to “New Beginnings”

  1. Yay for Claire! *applauds*

    Good on you for taking charge of your life and not letting anyone stand in your way.


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