Nervous!

08Nov09

I’m not really looking forward to going back to work tomorrow, in fact I’m rather nervous about it.

Not just because of the time I’ve had off sick or not knowing quite what I’ll have left to do on my return. But the dynamics of the office have completely changed since I had that bust up with the boss. She’s more secretive, I walk around on egg shells. I feel like I’m defying my mother and trying to break the rules, whilst she is using an iron fist to control me.

Recently, before I became ill, I was taking each day as it came and dealing with what was thrown at me. When I popped in on Thursday I felt that this wouldn’t work any more. I’ll still take it slowly but I will be more of my own person, I won’t share the secrets that I used to and I’ll keep myself to myself.

The boss doesn’t seem to like it that I’m becoming more of who I want to be, she doesn’t like it that I’m not so controllable and not someone who can be taken advantage of before. She doesn’t like it that more people talk to me, confide in me, laugh with me. She preferred it when I was left and sat in the corner hoping people wouldn’t notice me, but that’s not who I am anymore. I’m me. I’ve come out of my shell and I’ve developed a personality. At the grand old age of 26 I’ve finally found who I’m meant to be.

The office is hard to work in because of these problems. It’s difficult to go 8 hours a day without the possibility of upsetting her. It’s frustrating and I’m having to hold back on so many things.

I’m honestly thinking about looking for a new job in the new year. I’m not going to run out and grab the first thing that comes along, and I’m not going to just quit my job in the hopes that something will turn up. But I don’t know how long I can manage to work under these conditions. It’s crippling me. I know that may sound like a huge exaggeration, but it’s not. I feel so restrained and confined. I can only act a certain way because someone may get upset? How fair is this on me?

I’m not a nasty person, far from it. I hate hurting people. But yet I go to work every day and have comments said to me which are on the verge of bullying. Some nasty things have been said which with hindsight I realise weren’t called for and were below the belt, but I didn’t get upset about them at the time. There’s no need for me to be treated like this, and I shouldn’t be made to feel like this either.

Tomorrow will come, I’ll go to work and get on with the things I have to do but I’m not looking forward to it.

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4 Responses to “Nervous!”

  1. I’m sorry your work place is so unpleasant at the moment. It totally sucks. I’m very happy that you’re so comfortable in your own skin though! High time you realised how awesome you are. ;]

  2. Yey for realising who you are!!! I work in HR and noone should be made to feel nervous or bullied or upset by their supervisor at work and you definately shouln’t be pushed out into finiding a new job,. Do you have a HR department you could talk to?
    x

    • I do, but feel silly because of this. It’s just getting a little out of hand and if truth be told I can’t be bothered with it because I don’t want to know her anymore. I’m despising her more and more each time I see her which is making going in to work harder with each day. 😦


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