Yeah, I know, I haven’t updated for a little while but I’ve been down the gym for the past few nights.

Tuesday wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. We didn’t end up doing the health check but I was given a routine including bike, cross trainer, 3 different weight machines and floor exercises. We went through this and I found it incredibly difficult mainly because I was being watched over by my personal trainer, Jason.

Wednesday I ached all around my shoulders, lower back and ribs but then what do you expect. Luckily I didn’t have to do the workout just have my health check. I’m very dehydrated and overweight. The dehydration adds to my overall fat percentage but with work it should all get better. Needless to say I’m drinking more now, and I’ve seen the toilet far too much in the past few days! To be honest there wasn’t any nasty shocks, I expected it to be bad and some weren’t as bad as I thought they may be.

And last night I did my first workout all by myself which I’m proud of as I was so nervous. Very nervous. I feel good and I didn’t hurt as much as I did on Wednesday and I’m still feeling pretty good. I can’t wait to go again. I just hope this feeling doesn’t fade off too quickly. I keep thinking about my long term goal and what I will eventually accomplish and that spurs me on. Plus there are some very fit guys there I wouldn’t mind getting hot and sweaty next to!

Anyway, enough of my bloody gym stuff.

Work is getting bad. New Girl is starting to get on my nerves a bit with all her holier than thou attitude. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but she preaches at me so much whenever I say anything. All the time. Lecture, lecture, lecture. She is such a lovely girl but practically for work she is not for our company. because we deal with police and solicitors and trials and court appearances everything we do is confidential, urgent and a huge responsibility. Something which she can’t seem to grasp or handle. Work is not being done, things are not being sent out when they should be which is not good for the company. I think the boss is going to talk to her but it’s going to have to wait a week whilst she’s off on holiday. Which means I have to tell New Girl what to do because it’s all landing on my shoulders. That should be fine apart from the fact I’m always helping her out instead and it’s stuff she should know by now. I can already see long days, late finishes and no lunches. Brilliant.

And so, tomorrow it begins. A new chapter in my life. Something I’ve wanted for a while, I’ve moaned about for years. It’s finally come.

Tomorrow night I have my gym induction. My first taste of the gym. I’ll face my fears and and have my problems spelt out to me. I will know what percentage of my body is fat. I’ll know some horrible facts. But it’s the beginning of me losing weight, becoming more confident and liking my self.

At last!

I have finally gone out and bought a top for this engagement party next weekend. I still don’t want to go but am being dragged along for the sake of it. I suppose it might be ok in the end.

Anyways, yesterday I nipped in to town to find something to wear with the new girl and my boss. We all get along really well. We seem to have clicked straight away, we feel so comfortable in each others presence. Unfortunately I didn’t find anything there, but I think my boss did. She liked a top and tried it on (white with some beading) but decided she needed another size and told us to go home. I still don’t know if she bought it, but I’m guessing she did.

Today though, I went to Bedford with the new girl. She offered because she was insisting that I will go to this party. We left early, easily found a parking space and walked in to the towns centre. First stop was a department store where we veered towards the lovely smelling perfumes. I’m now wearing Vera Wang’s Princess and it smells real nice. Think I might ask for some for my birthday! After dragging New Girl from the perfume department we got to work. I tried on two tops and two dresses! Yes, I know. So not me. Anyway one top fitted but looked awful, it was black and white with chiffon flowing material - nice one the hanger but not on me. The blue silk top was gorgeous but just wouldn’t go over my boobs even when I tried on a top two sizes bigger than usual. I hate having a huge chest! Then on to the dresses. A lovely green chiffon style with braided shoulder straps. Gorgeous. But not on me. Plus it was two big in the chest department and a smaller size wouldn’t have fitted on my body. I think I have the weirdest sizings ever. Then a strapless brown dress with a large brown print in the fabric. Again that was too big around my top half but just lovely over the hips. Argh!

On to the next few shops where we didn’t find a thing that we were looking for. We stopped for lunch and then started up the hunt again. Nipping in to a trusty shop I regularly go in I found a white top with small pinkish flowers all over it, a large scooped neck and a slight ruffle around the next. So pretty. I bought it! The for our final shop I found a great black and white printed flowers top. It pulls in around my boobs and ties around the back and fits really well. We grabbed a necklace and bracelet and we were good to go. This is the outfit I’m wearing with jeans and shoes I already own. And what a bargain - the new bits all come to a grand total of £12.

I’m quite chuffed with my findings, plus they are girlie and something I wouldn’t usually go for. See, I’m changing. No pictures I’m afraid. My camera is dead. Maybe later.

This afternoon I watched Beaches which I’d never seen before and I finished my book. I don’t feel like I’ve wasted my days like I usually do. Now all I need to do is think of an excuse to get me out of this party next week!!

Oh and I’m getting nervous about my first trip to the gym on Tuesday but I’m trying to convince myself it won’t be as bad as I think. They are there to help me, to encourage me and it this makes me feel better about myself and helps me lose weight then it’s the best thing for me.

I did have a better yesterday, thank you.

I received a card from the guy saying sorry. He held up a white flag and looked sorry. He gave me hug and we’ve made up. I forgive him. He really didn’t realise how bad I felt about my body and he really didn’t mean to offend me. He just didn’t think. That’s his problem. He never thinks.

Today has been a hard day. I’ve been upset, I’ve cried at work, I’ve hated myself.

This guy at work has been a bit of a pain the past few weeks, since I began swimming and going to Aquafit really. He has been having little digs about my weight. We usually have friendly banter. He takes the mick out of me, and I retaliate and answer him back. It’s how our relationship work. But his jibes have been getting a little more hurtful, but I’ve ignored them and brushed them off as him being a typical bloke. You’d think at 45 years old he would be a bit more sensitive and understanding, but he is the type of person that just doesn’t know how other people feel, doesn’t process or think about what he’s saying and the effect it will have on people.

He’s already mentioned things about my weight. Like: Mark won’t want me if I lose weight, he probably only fancies big fat girls and he’ll soon be dumping me and asking where my fat sister is because he is going out with someone who resembles a tub of lard. I might finally fit in my clothes. That it’s about time I did something about my body and I’ll feel so much better for it.

Today was the final straw though. He came in to speak to me and found out I’d joined the gym last night. He disappeared off for a few minutes and then came back with an ice lolly stick and a little round red sticker. He turned the lolly stick around so that the thin edge faced me and the flat larger side was out of view. He then stuck the sticker on the edge but left it so it wasn’t stuck down only to the side. So as I looked at it all I saw was a very thin piece of wood with the sticker sticking out either side of it. A line with the circle midway down it. He then proceeded to tell me that was me before I go to the gym, and then once I’ve been to the gym a few times I’ll look like a twig. He then stuck the sides of the sticker against the wood so I only saw a stick. He then opened it up and repeated it. “Before the gym, after the gym, before the gym, after the gym…” He wouldn’t do this in front of anyone else in the office, not so that they could see anyway, only when their backs were turned.

It got my blood boiling and I started to wonder he was basically picking on me and my size. There are a couple of other people at my office who are bigger than me but he doesn’t say a thing to them!

I disappeared to the toilets, upset and had a little cry whilst having a wee (how elegant!) and came back out and popped in to have a chat with Charlotte. She saw I was upset, asked what the matter was and gave me a cuddle. I explained what had happened and Jacque popped out to ask the guy to come see me and that he’d really upset me, but I ran off back to the toilet before he could say anything.

I’ve not seen him since. He has kept out of my way, knowing he has said hurtful things and crossed the lines between making fun of me and actually bullying me about my weight. He is mortified and upset himself. I’m probably the last person he wanted to upset out of everyone in the office. He spoke to my boss and said he actually quite likes me and never intended to hurt me. He is so upset he practically had tears in his eyes.

He wants to apologise but I’ve not been able to see or speak to him yet. I still feel really upset about it all. Why did he do it? Does he think I’m not aware I have a belly on me? It’s not like I walk around with clothes too small, thinking I’m about 7 sizes smaller than I really am. I don’t have any thoughts that I’m thin, if anything I think I’m far bigger than I really am.

Tomorrow I will have to speak to him, let him apologise. I don’t think he’ll be doing this again anytime in a hurry. I do think he is truly sorry. He took things too far and didn’t know when to stop.

I’m still upset. It really hurt me and I got so wound up that I let it affect me. It only spurs me on to lose the weight, to prove to him that I can do it. To prove it to myself too.

So, guess what? I am now a gym member. I went today after work and signed up. For 12 months. That’s how serious I am.

I have my membership card sitting in front of me and I have a date with Jason, my personal trainer, set for Tuesday 1st July. It’ll just be a health check for an hour, not sure if I’ll be doing a workout after or not. They’ll check my height, weight, fat percentage, water content and lean muscle levels. They’ll measure the areas I want to work on so I can actually see a measurable difference. Plus I can keep my personal trainer so I don’t have to keep explaining things over and over.

I can’t wait. I’m excited and scared and nervous all at once.

I just don’t seem to get the time to update anymore. And it’s not like I’m particularly busy. I just potter about, the time disappears and then because I have work the next day I have nothing to do but throw myself in to my bed. Grr.

Work has been shit this week, a very long, slow and boring haul through the last 5 days and it has left me drained and thinking I deserve so much better. I want to challenge myself and I’m not doing that. I feel as it I’m losing my confidence, abilities and common sense with such a boring job. I feel worthless. I’m still looking for new opportunities but nothing is coming up. I’ll site and bide my time until the right thing comes along.

It’s soon time for me to join the gym. Yay for me! Payday is soon approaching. I have my new bits to wear to the gym, so it’s just playing that waiting game we all know and love. I’m sure I’ll soon be moaning about it, how I’ve pulled a muscle here or there, but I’m looking forward to it, and also slightly nervous! I’m still swimming with the girls. Once a week. Hopefully when the gym membership is up and running I’ll be swimming more at that new pool. I’ll still go to the current one once a week with the girls from work for a decent swim; it’s a longer length pool and it’s always nice to go with friends and make it more fun.

I’m at Mark’s at the minute sitting in his new bedroom. The bed is good and very nice and comfy. We’ve moved his chests of drawers down, the tv and some other bits. It’s feeling really homely here. Still a fair bit for him to do and it will take time but he’ll get there in the end. The main thing is we get a decent nights sleep on a very comfortable mattress. I didn’t want to wake up this morning because it was so nice!

I’m becoming a real social butterfly at the minute too. Next week I’m off out shopping for a new outfit for a work colleagues engagement party on the 5th. I wasn’t intending on attending but somehow I’ve been roped in to going. I’m sure it will be fine and I’ll enjoy myself, but I have little butterflies in my stomach at the thought of it. You know what I’m like in social situations, but as this is all part of the new Claire I’ll just have to get used to it.

Phew! What a weekend. I’ve been busy!

Friday Mark came round and stayed at mine because I’d got a hair appointment on the Saturday morning. I had more of my hair chopped off so it’s now slightly short than my chin and I’ve now got layers instead of the one heavy length. It feels so light, has much more movement and definitely looks good. I’ve also gone for a kind of fringe (bangs), it sweeps to the left of my forehead in longer layers and just softens my features and enhances my face.

My next appointment will introduce some colour to my hair, so wish me luck!

Saturday we took the bed to Mark’s house, we’d had it delivered to mine because it was all self-assembly. We intended on building that up ready for the mattress being delivered this Friday, but not before I’d popped in to a sports shop and bought new trainers, gym bag and tracksuit bottoms. I’ve got the clothes sorted, now I’m just waiting for pay day to allow me to sign up at my gym. I can’t wait to get started there, be able to swim whenever I feel like it and generally feel I’m doing something positive.

Yesterday was Father’s Day so I made sure my dad received his card and small present before coming home in the evening. Mark stayed round last night so he could go to his mums today so he can his car serviced. I think I’m seeing him sometime this week on his trip home to his house, he would stay but he needs to get home for the mattress. I can’t wait to sleep in his comfy bed!

That’s it folks. Nothing much to report, but I’m still here.

I’ve been hurting most of this week from my Aquafit class on Monday. It really used my legs. Was so much fun, I haven’t laughed like that for ages. I definitely want to go again, but we missed out for next Mondays class so instead I’m going swimming tonight. Monday reminded me how much of a water baby I am, how I love just being in the water and how much I enjoyed swimming about 10 years ago. Time to get into that more - it’s a great exercise. How many lengths will I manage tonight?

Plans for the gym: I’m buying some new gear this weekend. Need new trainers and some decent trackie bottoms and t-shirts/vests. Then once we’ve been paid we are going to sign up for our membership and get our personal training sorted, then it’s all left to the club really. Am quite excited about joining now and just want to get on with it. Plus Mark seems to like the idea of coming with me every now and then.

This week work-wise has been a pain in the bum. All I’ve done is complain. a lot. About my work, work in general and people. Plus Charlotte and myself didn’t have the best day yesterday when she walked off in a strop after taking something I’d said the wrong way. We are, however, back on track today and basically just being casual friends. I don’t really know what to make of the girl. It’s a friendship of convenience to her. Sunday she only bothered calling me because she didn’t really have anyone else to lavish attention on her hang around with and so she called me. I knew this and used it as a reason to get out for the day. I’m not sure if she really thinks of us as friends, or me as just someone she can use and abuse. Either way I’m cautious about friendships so I won’t be letting myself get dragged in and fooled.

So you see, I haven’t been hiding for the past few days. I’ve just avoided blogs in case I got grouchy and wrote a really moany entry which I don’t really need right now. Personally I’m in a really happy and good place right now. I just need to dump all the crap (namely work) and I’ll be fantabulous.

So… I went to the new gym yesterday and it was lovely. So professional looking; tidy, clean and very exclusive. It’s a members only club (do I sound snobbish?) so not just any Tom, Dick or Harry can walk in off the street and laugh their face off looking at me sweating away. I like. I like very much.

Think I’ve basically made up my mind about joining it. It’s a little more expensive and the admin charges are cheaper. Plus I get to use guest passes for Mark or could just pay for the time, which isn’t too bad. I want to get fit. I need to get fit. I think I can manage going to the gym a few nights a week. Plus I’ll probably pay the extra charge and have some personal one on one time with a trainer so I know what I should be doing. I’m a gym virgin, so I want to get off on the right foot. And with over 100 fitness stations I need to know I’m doing things the correct way.

The sauna, spa and steam rooms all helped persuade me, but I think what really caught my eye was one fit looking gym instructor. Phwoar! Hope I get him to do some personal training!

Today I thought I was going to have a lazy day, and for the morning I did. Then the afternoon rolled round and I had a call from Charlotte who was as bored as I was so we decided to meet up and go for a walk in the rare moment of sunshine. We ended up not walking around the park like planned but sitting in a pub garden with loads kids running all around us. It’s her way of getting me out of the hours more, and God knows I need to be more social. I actually really enjoyed myself and wouldn’t mind doing it again. Not ready for a full on Friday night session, but a few quite non-alcoholic drinks doesn’t do me any harm. Have to see if Mark would be up for it one nice weekend if we get anymore. I’m not a big drinker so it suits me just fine to have an orange juice. Another decision I’ve made - to try and get out more, to do things and enjoy life. Sitting and moping about it doesn’t aid me in getting a life.

And now thanks to those couple of hours out I’ve got one bright red arm and a red nose and cheeks. I think I may have caught the sun a little, however I doubt it will turn in to a slight tan. I’m so ghostly white it would just look odd. I’m secretly proud though - I never catch the sun. I’m going to have to remember to stick the other arm out of the car when driving next time!