Confession Time

10Jun09

I’m having some serious issues with myself at the minute. As you can probably tell.

After speaking to a colleague at work (and to the boss, but that’s a whole different story!) I got thinking and realised that I’ve been downright unhappy for the best part of this year. It’s been a real noticable change. I’ve been down and miserable for quite a while but since we hit ‘09 it has been so much worse.

I looked about and thought I may have the dreaded D word. Depression. I checked the symptoms and it seems that I do have majority of them. I’m not placing myself in a box, but it explains so much about myself. The lack of confidence, the feeling useless, helpless, unwanted, unloved, hating myself, the continuous low mood and lack of enjoyment. It explains why I can’t get motivated or find anything interesting anymore and a whole heap of other stuff.

My friend has been skirting around the issue with me for a little while and I was always so defensive, but I’ve been able to come to accept that things for me just aren’t right. That I need to do something about it. I’m on a path of destruction and I need to get off and start getting focused on my life again.

This is coming across badly, it isn’t meant to be a “feel sorry for me” entry. Just how it is and what has been going on in my mind for the past few days and weeks. Why I have been a bit distant and reluctant to mention too much.

Today I went to the doctors after finally plucking up the courage to give them a call last week. This was a dreaded thing I had to do. I went armed with a list of things I wanted to get across, to mention, to voice. I didn’t want to get into the doctors office and feel like I was being judged so I needed a guide to aid me.

I’m now on anti-depressants as of today.

I’m hoping these will help and allow me to get rid of the black cloud currently surrounding me. I want to get on and enjoy my life instead of feeling miserable and useless all the time. I feel guilty and that I don’t really need help, that I’ve failed and that people are disappointed in me for even asking for help. I feel I’ve let not only myself down but everyone else around me.

But deep down I know I need to do something and if this is the way to do it then I shall.

This is me taking the first step to changing who I am, to viewing things in a different way and starting to live again. Wish me luck.

Filed under: I'm Complicated, Life   |  7 Comments