Prohibited

One that fails: a failure at one’s career.

For nearly 25 years old I’m a very naive, immature and sheltered person. I live my life how I think others expect me to; I do what they want, when they want, how they want. I’m worried what will be said if I do something or say something different to what is expected of me. when it comes to making decisions, I just don’t make them or I talk to everybody I know to see what other people would do; I’m scared of making the wrong choice; I’m scared people will hate me for it.

I haven’t really grown up in the last 10 years or so. I still bury my head in the sand and I still find running away and taking th easiest option is far better for me, and for everyone else. I’ve plodded along through job after job and I’ve never settled anywhere. Not even now. I’ve taken to thinking it doesn’t matter where I work, as long as I keep my head down and work to the best of my ability, then I will get somewhere in the company. It’s not true. I’ve been naive for years thinking this was how it all works. But it isn’t. If your face fits he world is your oyster, if not then you’re stuck. I don’t heave a realistic goal for the future, a career I want or an industry sector I’d like to work in. I never have. At the end of the day I just didn’t care. I always thought things would fall in my lap. How wrong was I?

I never move out of my comfort zone either, both physically and mentally. I haven’t travelled the world, been abroad or even on a holiday somewhere in the UK. I stay within my town or Mark’s house and that’s as far as I go. i want to explore, have adventures and feel I’m not missing out on so much. mentally, I will make excuses and do whatever it takes to stay in the position I am. I won’t help myself, but expect others to do it for me; at least it’s not my fault if it all goes wrong.

Mark gave me a good talking to last night. I moaned about work, that I may need a new car, that I want to go on holiday but that I have no money to do anything. He’s told me I’ve got to stop doing my usual running away from problems and face them instead. I’ve got to grow up and take responsibility for things.

He thinks I should take a course and try to work out what I really want to do. I’m always going to be at the bottom rung of the ladder (or lower!) and will never make something of myself, get anywhere or earn better money. This is all true. By educating myself it shows I’m prepared to put in the hard work to get what I really want. The hard part is knowing what I want though. I’ve never had any idea how my life will be or what I want to do.

I’m just making excuses again. Even I can see that.

I know he didn’t say these things to hurt me, but to help me and I fight with him every step of the way. I don’t want to agree and say he’s right (which he is) and admit defeat. I don’t want to say that I’ll do something about it because then I will actually have to do something about it. It’s that whole comfort zone thing again. Mark wants what’s best for me and he’s trying to be supportive for me, he doesn’t have to, he could just ignore me and let me carry on moaning about things, even though that would just irritate him more. I’m too stubborn and set in my way to even contemplate all this stuff and it’s really pissing me off too.

Why can’t I just see sense?

In the end I found some websites that allow you do home courses at your own pace. I’ve requested information packs on the courses. This way I get to see what’s out there, decide what I’d like to do and how to go about it. I don’t know why I make such a big fuss, it’s just a matter of stopping being lazy and being proactive about my situation. Nothing is going to happen unless I make it.

I don’t really have much to say for myself.

Work was a bit rushed and I just couldn’t wait to get home. You know those days where everything has to happen and when it does happen it all happens at once, in the worst possible way. So you have too many things being thrown in your direction, you have no answers to the questions, no solutions for the problems. Your desk gets cluttered, your brain gets fried and you just want to crawl under the desk and hide. It was one of those days. Instead I get to go back in to work tomorrow and go through it all again, and I just can’t wait. Yeah, right!

My Valentine’s roses are still looking great. All in full bloom, smelling lovely and looking really really healthy. It’s a shame they will die eventually. I’m hoping Mark too the hint when I said some flowers to fill the vase up occasionally would be a nice treat. He doesn’t really buy flowers unless it’s for an occasion, but I think that whole Dan thing may have got to him a little more than he expected or admits. Would be quite nice if it spurred him in to being a little more romantic.

Oh, and my sister and I are talking. I’m still holding a slight grudge but I’m not really letting it show. What is the point? It just goes round in a circle and I really can’t be bothered with it.

I can’t actually remember a time when I was as angry as I was earlier this evening. My sister, sometimes I could just hit her, I could just walk right up to her and smack her in the face, even if she is 12 years older than me. I don’t care.

I won’t go in to too many details, but she is spoilt. She sits at home all day everyday and doesn’t go to work. She’s on disability benefits although I can’t see her being that ‘disabled’, and has been signed off with “unexplainable and undiagnosable pain” by doctors of all descriptions. Anyway, she lives at home with us, makes my life feel awkward, stumped, not fully lived, and basically she lives her life through me. She gets bought whatever she wants, gets to do and say whatever she wants or doesn’t want to do and we put up with it. It’s easier to go with the flow then push against it and cause problems.

So she starts talking about how she can only ever have a shower at an odd time of day and I offer to change when I have mine so she can slot in better, if it’s of any help to her. Although it’s not like she has to get ready for work or anything. She has all bloody day to have a shower but only has one when I want one. My sister then goes off on a yelling rampage; how I’m accusing her of complaining about me having a shower, how she didn’t mean for me to say it, how it was none of my business. Whatever. The starts screeching at me which gets my back up and I argue with her. And I argue, and argue and argue. My throat hurts now from all the yelling. It didn’t exactly help though, she walked off and slammed her bedroom door shut.

A better person would have just let her get on with it, moan about things but keep their mouth shut. I normally would, but she’s been getting to me so much lately that I just started arguing to get rid of the pent up frustration. She’s one of those people who goes on and on about everything, always has a niggle or has to make a snide remark, she’s never happy unless she gets her own way and don’t you know about it if she doesn’t. I’m one of those people who bottles everything up and eventually when enough is enough lets off steam. We don’t make a good combination.

It’s all over now. We walk around each other, speak when spoken too but things will remain strained for a good few days.

I’ve realised though, that although Mark has seen an angrier side of the usual calm me, he has never seen what I was like today. He knows I get angry but has never had cause to see what I can really get like. It’s something I don’t want him to see either, it’s not a pretty picture. At least it doesn’t happen that often. The only thing I can hope for is that once I’ve moved out and away from my sister, things will be a lot better for me. For all of us.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

I got some gorgeous long-stemmed large-headed red roses from my gorgeous boyfriend.

They were delivered to work. All 25 of them and they smell fantastic. All the girls at work were jealous and one (Jacque) even tried to put a dampner on things and complained about her own problems she’d had when receiving a bouquet of flowers a few years back, but I just didn’t care.

I was on cloud 9 for the rest of the day. And who could blame me?

Mmmm, I think I love him even more.

Cloverfield was pretty good. I got back about an hour ago having driven in the dark, fog and rain. Yuck.

The film was good even though I started feeling really sick halfway through it. Motion sickness, I think. It’s all filmed on a handheld camera so the jerking pictures caused it. Otherwise I would gladly see it again if Mark bought the DVD. I won’t give away the story or ending incase anyone wants to go watch it. I’ve even twisted Mark’s arm in going to see the Iron Man film when it’s out, and he never does cinemas!

The Nice Day we were trying to have today didn’t really last long. Long enough, but not until the end of the day. In the afternoon Charlotte started chatting to me about salaries within the company, and said although she didn’t want to go in to figures she knew that she and her colleagues bring in a lot of money to the company each year. And admin doesn’t, so whilst everyone complains others have more payrises over other people, admin should keep quiet. We don’t deserve much because we barely do anything.

So I got a little angry although said nothing to her, and went and moaned to my boss who took offence from the comment too. Having said that, she can’t complain because her own salary for being Office Manager is double what I’m on. However, she was annoyed for me too. She also mentioned one of the directors thinks I’m a waste of space, that I’m not used to my full capacity (which we knew, but I can’t help it!) and doesn’t really see the point of me having a payrise. Basically it’s a put up or shut up situation. I admit I do have a lot of spare time, but only because the contract I was hired for hasn’t arrive yet so I’ve spent the last year getting to grips with the existing contract and doing a damn good job, everyone has said so. But apparently that’s not enough.

I feel put out by it all. Why bother working hard when I’m not rewarded and instead I’m treated like this. Hardly encouraging is it? I don’t know what to do, or which way to turn. I’m fed up of moaning about it though, what’s the point?

Not sure if it’s good news or bad news but it seems the new cat my boss took in may be pregnant. She was taken to the vets today and there’s now a suspected pregnancy. This means the boss will probably try to dump a few kittens in my lap. Either that or she’ll start posting them through my letterbox! I don’t think my parents will be too pleased somehow…

So let’s see. What is new in the world of Claire.

Oh yes, I’m going to the cinema tomorrow night with Charlotte to watch Cloverfield so that should be fun. I haven’t really heard much about the film, but it’s a night out for me which we all know I don’t get very often. Everyone keeps saying I should get out a little more, so I’m taking the opportunity to do so. Mark will be at work until 7pm (when the film starts) so I’ll probably get home a little after him so we can still talk later on.

We had invited Jacque and Becky but neither wanted to come. Both had valid reasons though; Jacque is rowing and Becky is off out for a meal with her friend. I think deep down neither would have joined us anyway. They don’t seem to like Charlotte and I becoming good friends and chatting more. To be honest I didn’t really want either of them to tag along anyway. Becky would have bitched and moaned throughout the film and Jacque would have talked all the way through it too. Is that mean to not want them to come?

I’m trying to be a much more nicer person at work. Recently all I’ve done is moaned about other people and made some really nasty comments about them. Gone are the days where I sat quietly in the corner, not speaking to anyone because I was too shy. No, today I’m much more loud-mouthed and say it like it is. I think that characteristic is better for me, I hate being too quiet, but I think being so honest will have its downfalls and I don’t want to fall in to the trap of people not liking me because of it, like they are with Becky.

I’m going to try and curb this attitude of mine in and be an all round nicer person. I’m not going to mention the way Becky does her hair and think she’s the next top model from the UK or how Jacque wear tops far too small, trousers too tight and how she has to hold them up with a safety pin. Nor am I going to mention the three men who have halitosis, which only gets worse throughout the day so much so that the office reeks of it. Or the fact that one of the technical lads has really bad BO. Constantly.

See, I didn’t mention any of that!!

I just don’t want people to look back at me and remember me as the girl who just couldn’t stop being bitchy about others. Becky does cause a lot of problems at work, and she does get on my nerves an awful lot. But once she’s left who’s going to be the next target I we pick on? Everyone says it will be back to how it should be with her gone, but will it?

I’m sitting here and I smell of jasmine or something similar, and I’m reminded of something. Not quite sure what though. I guess I’ll figure it out eventually.

Boys, be warned.

This is probably something I’ll never understand why I posted it, nor will you. It’s something that has been playing on my mind for a few days and I’ve got to get it off my chest.

I have a problem. With my underwear.

Whenever I’m at work and sitting down, my trousers ride down so you can sometimes see the top of my underwear. It probably doesn’t help that I seem to be between sizes, but still there’s nothing I can do about that. I can’t seem to find nor wear the right things. If I had an accident and was whisked in to hospital and had my clothes cut off, the nurses would gasp in horror at my item choices. I seem to have are a few very mismatched cotton garments that I seem to wear to work, which help a little but don’t completely erase the situation. All the sets I have are either mesh or silk which only make matters worse.

Am I the only person to actually suffer with this?

It’s really getting on my nerves. I never know what’s right to wear. Why is it so hard for women to choose underwear whilst mean just pull on a pair of boxers or whatever and off they go. We, on the otherhand, have to deal with matching sets, VPL, and then what type to wear: underwired or non-underwired bras, briefs, shorts, thongs etc. Too many things to think about.

So yes, I seem to be the only woman in the entire world who can’t cope with a pair of bloody knickers! I think it’s about time I ordered myself some more, because three drawers full just isn’t enough! And I can be certain that I’ll still have this same problem in weeks to come.

I hope you are all happy and comfortable in your choice of underwear tomorrow, and maybe spare a thought for me while I have to pull my trousers up each and everytime I move.

The weekend is over and Mark is on his way home. I hate this time. I know I won’t get to see him for another 3 weeks, and it just seems so far away.

We spent the weekend here and I really enjoyed myself even if we didn’t do all that much.

Saturday morning we went in to town. Mark had a few things he wanted to buy and I had a few places to go so we spent a little time browsing some shops. In the end we didn’t get that much but we did get a few DVDs: Romeo & Juliet, Maid in Manhattan and The Simpsons Movie. I basically got the first two as they were cheap. Last of the big spenders, me.

Whilst in town I did end up walking in to a card shop only to turn around and walk straight out again. A girl I went to school with, and now try to avoid, was working in there. I don’t really want to get mixed in with her again. She was one of the friends who ditched me when school ended and didn’t want to have anything more to do with me until I got a job and learnt to drive. Then she came crawling back to try and revive the friendship to abuse it again. It didn’t work. She got the hint and left me alone. I didn’t think she had seen me, but then I receive a text message and suddenly I started to panic. What if it was her? What would I do?

It wasn’t her, it was some random phone number asking how I was. I replied asking who it was. It turned out to be a guy called Dan looking for a girl called Lucy. He’d gone out the previous night and had either written the number down wrongly or had been given a fake number, which just happened to be mine. He was sorry for texting me but did I feel like chatting. Because I had my suspicions and thought it could have been Charlotte that gave out my number, I carried on texting him. In the end I found out Dan was 30 and from Bristol and even though he knew I had a boyfriend he kept asking if I wanted a bit on the side and if I fancied some fun with him. I don’t think so!

Mark knew all about these texts. He helped me write them. But he didn’t like it when the guy started to come on strong. I ignored Dan and he finally got the hint. Since Saturday I haven’t heard from him, but I think Mark was left wondering if he’ll try and contact me again. He needn’t worry, I won’t reply or do anything with him. I’m not going to risk losing a really great relationship just for some random guy!

Saturday lunch time we were taken out for a meal by my family. I know I said Mark and I were going to do something by ourselves, but when my mother offers we know it’s going to be a good feed. So we went and agreed that Mark and I will have some time alone the next time he stays here, so in a months time we have plans. I think we are going to try going on more “dates”, which is something we haven’t really done before.

Saturday afternoon was spent just lounging around and not doing much of anything, as was today. We aren’t a couple that always have to be on the go and out somewhere, doing something. Spending time in each others company is just as good for us. I guess it’s because we rarely spend time together we make sure we enjoy all we get.

However, saying we didn’t do much Saturday, the night was good. We swapped Valentine’s cards and presents. And yes, he did like the cami and shorts, he liked them a lot! I’m in doubt I’ll be wearing those when I next see him. It’s just a shame I can’t buy anything a bit more daring, well not for the time being anyway…

I finally managed to get my butt to the shops and I bought a few items for Mark as a Valentine’s presents. Because we don’t usually get much for each other I didn’t spend too much. I just got him a card, some Lindt extra dark chocolates that he likes and a large bottle of Mint Baileys Irish Cream, which he adores. More than he adores me.

Because I’m a good girl and haven’t spent that much on me I’ve bought this too. Hopefully he’ll like it, I’m pretty sure he will. I can’t buy anything overly sexy because let’s face it, still living with your parents and seeing something a prostitute could wear isn’t exactly what my parents would like to see! Demure and silky is the way to go for me…

I’m seeing Mark tomorrow night and spending the weekend here with him. I’ll probably give him his card and presents then and go out for a meal so we can have our own little Valentine’s Day, even if it is a few days early. I’m sure we’ll make up for it when we eventually live together.

It seems all I’ve talked about today is that one day and it’s still a while off yet. You can just tell I didn’t do anything else all day. Work was boring, with me staring out of the window or playing with my boots and tugging at my already broken heel on them. I really must buy some new ones. I’m just lazy really.