Prohibited

The end of January and I haven’t updated all week! For once the dreaded first month of the year seems to have passed really quickly. For me at least.

I’m still feeling really tired, even more so this week. It’s really getting me down and probably another reason I feel really upset today. I want to feel normal again, without waking up with a terrible headache, tired eyes and an aching body.

This week has been really dull so haven’t updated as I didn’t want to bore myself (and all of you) to death. Work has been the same routine, except for hearing about my Office Manager’s relationship problems. Monday and Tuesday she moaned a lot about her bloke and how basically he wasn’t what she wanted, wasn’t a superhuman and couldn’t do everything and be everywhere all at the same time. Tuesday night she split up with him. Now I’m going through the “Was it the right thing to do?” moment with her. Personally the bloke was great and I think she should have hung on in there. They’d been together for just over 4 years and all the things she had a whine about were fixable. I can’t tell her that though, and maybe there were problems between the two of them she didn’t tell me about.

I can’t believe I’m talking to my 48 year old boss about her break up.

Other than that Charlotte and I arranged to go shopping after work tonight, which we did, but it had to be all kept secret as Jacque and Becky would bitch about us. So as we breezed out of the door (I got to leave half an hour earlier than usual) Charlotte mentioned to Jacque we were off shopping and I avoided Becky’s glare and ignored the question about where I was going. I left it to my boss to tell her, I’m sure she wanted to see the look on her face - I bet it would have been a picture!

The shopping trip was actually really good. Charlotte and I got on really well and tried on a LOT of clothes. In the end Charlotte talked me in to buying a silvery top for going out. She reckons she’ll eventually get me to go out for a few drinks with her when she moves to this area. She’s split up with her boyfriend and looking for places to rent where I live, so she’ll be here soon. Charlotte bought some socks (how adventurous!) a couple of tops and some trousers.

On the way home we chatted a lot, and I was quite honest with her for once. It turns out she thinks I’m a really nice girl and can’t see why I have absolutely no confidence in myself at all. So I spilled the beans about how my friends treated and bullied me, that I completely cut them out of my life and only have Mark now. I shared the fact that I only ever go to work and count down the days until I see Mark again. I think she’s seen me in a whole new light. She’s already said she’s taking me under her wing, that I will be her project and she’ll turn me from being an ugly duckling into a beautiful swan! OK…. She’s actually turning out to be a fantastic person to be with, I feel I can be myself without being judged, she listens to me and takes my opinions in to things even when she is forcing me in to clothes!

After today though, I’ve realised a few things and this evening I’ve ended up making myself quite upset. I don’t like being like this, I don’t like feeling a failure, feeling lonely and as if everyone is about ready to make a comment or just laugh in my face. I have no faith in myself and I certainly have no faith in others. I don’t trust many people, and it takes time to build my trust if you are one of the lucky few. I have built a barrier around me and would quite easily live a reclusive life if I could. I slowly need to take that wall down.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not moaning. I’m still happy. I just realise there is more to life than what I allow myself.

This weekend has been, as usual, one of laziness.

For the past week or two I’ve been feel so lethargic, I just want to sleep all the time and this weekend was no exception. It’s getting to the point I’m beginning to wonder if something’s wrong, I’m not usually this bad. I just don’t have the energy to do anything, I can just about manage to make it to work and back and that’s it for the day. It’s not like I have a particularly taxing job either.

Saturday I didn’t wake up until late morning and then really only slobbed about and watched TV, mainly Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Today I haven’t spent time doing too much either, instead I felt quite sick for most of the afternoon and evening and still do. I’m even recording Wedding Crashers tonight because I just don’t think I’ll be awake to watch it!

All I can think about is heading off to bed. That and if I should move things around in my bedroom as I’m not entirely happy with it. I want things in different places and it would be great if junk didn’t just lay on every surface I see. Basically it just looks a mess.

My life just can’t get anymore exciting…

Just because I’m feeling good today, and this video always makes me happy.

I’ve been having a think about this whole Becky situation, it really doesn’t bother me or effect me when she starts moaning at and about other people, but who is she to project her opinion so forcefully on to others? She is an insignificant 20 year old receptionist who we work with, not a friend, who by all means can have an opinion but doesn’t need to make people feel bad when their opinions don’t match hers. We also don’t to have her butt in to conversations and throw in her thoughts when she’s not invited or wanted there.

It’s getting beyond ridiculous now. She will have a moan about anything and everything. Your shoes, your clothes, your hair, your perfume/aftershave. If you don’t like the same music or watch the same TV programmes and movies as her. That you prefer dogs/cats and that you treat them better than she does her own pets. There might be a smell in an office she doesn’t like or you are eating food that she doesn’t like or wouldn’t eat. Your family might be close-knit or distant. You may be fat, thin, bulimic, anorexic. You might be staying in at the weekend or going out. It mights be either too hot or cold somewhere and she’ll let you know all about it.

These are all the things she said today in the 3 and a half hours she was actually at work!

What gives her the right to make you feel bad, ashamed or wrong about things as trivial as that? Because that is how she makes you feel. You might be going on holiday to somewhere lovely and hot but she’d prefer a cold holiday this year. You are in the wrong for not wanting the same as her. Now, does it really matter? She’s not going on holiday with you, but she’ll say things with such disgust, anger and venom in her voice that you feel guilty and end up wanting to cancel the holiday you’ve booked on a beach somewhere to go skiing because she said so!

The sad thing is she is even like it with her family and friends.

I realise it’s probably just a jealous and attention seeking thing. She wants everyone to sit up and listen to her. That is where she is going wrong. No one really likes her at the office, no one would really like to be her friend. She has no one to confide in and certainly no one would confide in her. Eventually she will come to work in a place where they don’t like people being like that, where a happy and peaceful atmosphere is what is wanted. She doesn’t really allow that to happen. She’ll work with people who don’t like being told what to do by some jumped up snotty little girl with ambitions and thoughts well above her station.

No wonder she can’t keep a boyfriend when the guys she goes for a gorgeous, handsome, rich and dull, with very little to offer. It’s all about looks as far as she’s concerned. A true, deep, meaningful, loving relationship would bore the pants off her if there were no presents, designer clothes and good looks involved. All she gets is a one night stand and no communication with a guy for months until he fancies another go with her. To be honest I feel for any guy that goes near her, can you imagine the mouthful she’d give him if something wasn’t to her shallow standards?

She had her interview this afternoon for a placement at Camp America to become a counsellor or activity leader with lots of children spending summer in the USA. Why she wants to do this and work with children when she hates them is anyones guess. She’s even making up totally unrealistic lies to try and get in. We are all crossing our fingers and hoping she’ll get in. If she does she’ll be out of our lives for good around May time and we just can’t wait. She creates such a static and awkward atmosphere between staff and directors; they of course think the sun shines out of her backside at the minute. Although some truths have just been uncovered and we’ve found out she’s told us even more lies than we thought. It looks as if the real Becky is finally beginning to emerge and hopefully she’ll lose favour with the bosses like she has with the rest of the staff.

I’m just hoping she’ll leave the country soon and allow everyone in the company time to breathe and become how we were when she spent 3 months in Miami last year. It was fantastic without her, but there was always that black cloud of her return hanging over us. There won’t be that this time and it’s becoming increasingly bliss-like.

So who’s up for buying her leaving present, because I’m damn well not!

On January 22, 2008, Ledger was found dead in his fourth-floor apartment at 421 Broome Street in the SoHo neighbourhood of New York City. According to police, housekeeper Teresa Solomon had arrived at approximately 12:30 p.m. EST to do household chores, entered the bedroom at about 1 p.m. to change a light bulb in the adjacent bathroom, and found Ledger face down on the bed, with a sheet pulled to his shoulders, and snoring. Masseuse Diana Wolozin arrived at approximately 2:45 p.m. to give Ledger a massage, and when he did not emerge from his bedroom by 3 p.m., called his cell phone and received no answer. Wolozin entered the bedroom, began to set up the massage table, and tried to wake the unresponsive Ledger. Wolozin called actress Mary-Kate Olsen, whose number was programmed in Ledger’s cell phone. She replied she would have a member of her security firm go to the apartment. After again attempting to rouse Ledger, Wolozin called Olsen again, and at 3:26 p.m. called 9-1-1. Medical workers moved Ledger to the floor, used a defibrillator and CPR, and pronounced Ledger dead at 3:36 p.m.

Police said they found prescription medication in the bathroom and that there were “no obvious signs” of suicide, nor did they suspect foul play. An initial autopsy on January 23 proved inconclusive at determining Ledger’s cause of death. The medical examiner’s office stated it will take about 10 days to complete the investigation. Early reports state that it appears that Ledger died from an accidental overdose of perscription medications.

On January 23, 2008 (Australian time), Ledger’s parents and sister appeared outside his mother’s house in Applecross, a riverside Perth suburb, and read a short statement to the media:

“We, Heath’s family, confirm the very tragic, untimely and accidental passing of our dearly loved son, brother and doting father of Matilda, who was found in a peaceful sleep in his New York apartment by his housekeeper at 3:30pm (New York Time). We would like to thank our friends and everyone around the world for their kind wishes at this time. Heath has touched so many people on so many different levels during his short life, but few had the pleasure to truly know him. He was a down-to-earth, generous, kind-hearted, life-loving and unselfish individual who was an extreme inspiration to many. Please now respect our family’s need to grieve and come to terms with our loss privately.”

Work has been okay this week. There have been some ups and downs with a couple of 20 year olds acting more like they are 3, bickering and sniping at each other. I’ve just kept my head down and got on with my own stuff. There was a problem where we order some supplies in to do a job, it had been requested by Martin (tech guy) that Becky (receptionist) order more as we were running out and wouldn’t be able to complete the tasks to go out on the Tuesday just gone. Becky didn’t. Not until late Friday afternoon meaning the supplies didn’t arrive until Tuesday morning. Subsequently that meant 5 jobs landed on my desk and I was expected to do them in 5 minutes before the courier arrived to take the jobs back to London. They weren’t in a rush so I knew I didn’t need to do them, so didn’t, but the boys thought it was hilarious to throw them on my desk and laugh at me that they had to be done. I was not amused so just scowled and left them to it.

For the rest of the day Martin and Becky complained about each other to me and the boss and blamed each other. They yelled at each other and bickered in front of everyone. These two both love being the centre of attention so it’s no wonder they behaved that way. They also have a love/hate relationship. Somedays they are perfectly civil with each other, the next they are at each others throats. Not really a fantastic day at work.

I think it’s turned out that the boss will have a word about it with Becky. I think she was just lazy and looking for someone else to blame so she didn’t get in trouble. She probably thought the admin staff will automatically believe her.

I’ve also realised why Becky seems to have a problem with everyone, except me. She’s one of those girls who will moan about what you are wearing unless it’s to her taste. She’ll criticise you but can’t take it when it’s aimed at her. She likes to make you feel bad, small and like you are in the wrong. Basically if Becky doesn’t agree or like something then it’s wrong.

She’ll look everyone up and down, looking to see what they’re wearing and she always does it with a scowl on her face. She’s done it several times this week and to varying people and we’ve all spotted it. But she never does it to me. See, others dress and co-ordinate their outfits. They change their tops and match their shoes; they put make up on and do their hair. I don’t bother. I’m not saying I smell… obviously I wash very regularly and change my clothes every day but I also wear a cardigan to cover myself up. (Didn’t I say I wasn’t going to do that?) I do my hair and put on a little make up but I look the same day in day out and it’s not exactly a pretty sight!

It’s more a case of dowdy old Claire sitting in the corner who’s no threat whatsoever to Becky. She’s always worried that other people will look better than her and outshine her. So I don’t get scowled at, bitched about and criticised about what I’m wearing. She’s safe with me. It’s nice to know I’m good for something, even if it’s that I don’t always look good!

Yuck. Work. We got the contract so it means it’s likely I’ll still have a job in 3 months time. Lots of paper work to set up in the coming months but at least it will keep me occupied instead of shuffling through Facebook at work every day. Thankfully we got 70% of the work allocated out, although we don’t know 70% of.. so we could end up with 3 jobs a week or 30 which could be a problem when added to our current workload. It’s all about planning and, thankfully being a Virgo, I’m great at planning things workwise. My personal life isn’t nearly so organised, but I seem to be doing well so far this year.

Today Mark and I have been together 5 years so I’m all smiley and happy. How anyone can put up with me that long is beyond me! He’s a sweetie; he sent me some gorgeous flowers. They were a lovely surprise. Like I said, I want to take him out for a meal and just spend some time just the two of us. It’s unbelievable how little time we actually get to be alone together.

I know I’m going to be pretty boring this weekend and just chill out at home. Probably watch Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets. Mark is working but doing day shifts instead of his usual night shifts so I’ll probably get some texts from him when he’s bored and I’ll get to speak to him in the evenings which will be a nice change instead of a rushed conversation between jobs whilst he’s working a night shift.

How dull does this make me?!

I’m bored of this self pitying and whining attitude I seem to have attached myself to. I complain that I have such a negative attitude towards life, and is there any wonder when I constantly moan about things within my control. It’s time to start thinking of the good and better things to come.

So with that in mind, Friday (18th) will be our 5th anniversary, ok it’s not a wedding anniversary but it’s an achievement for us considering the distance from Northampton to Cambridge and it’s something I would like to celebrate. Unfortunately I won’t see Mark until 1st February due to his shifts at work, but I thought I might treat us to a meal out then. Got to do something nice haven’t I? Might combine it with a Valentine’s meal too means we won’t be seeing each other the weekend after V Day. I know it’s a bit in advance but does anyone have any ideas what I can do/get him?

Then to top the year off it’s Mark’s 30th birthday at the end of May so I would like to do something special then. No doubt he’ll be working then too so it will be the nearest weekend to it. I had been thinking about saving up my money and booking a holiday somewhere for us, however my boss has now declared she might have that week off to go on holiday too. (She obviously isn’t happy with taking all the Christmas holiday off again this year, but now has to have the time off I’d thought about originally!)

With work, I’m going to take everything on the chin. If this contract doesn’t come our way then that’s fine. I may or may not be out of a job, but I can deal with it. I’ve whined about this job for a little while so if I’m asked to leave then it’s not like I’m leaving the “best job in the world” behind. I will get another job and I’ve got great people around me to support me until I do.

My boss will continue to growl until she gets her own way. If things don’t go according to her plan she has a moan and that’s something I’ll have to accept. If she wants a holiday when I do then I have to understand she has the priority over me. I can’t and won’t be selfish; it’s just annoying when others are. I’ve always thought my understanding and kind characteristics were faults, and I still think they are, but it’s the person I am and if I end up getting walked all over then so be it. I’ve given up fighting, trying to be someone I’m not, and feeling hard done by. Things are always going to get in the way or happen and my feelings, securities and thoughts will be pushed aside. But as long as I’m happy outside of work then I don’t really care anymore.

I think that is it; I’m past caring.

Work is just work at the end of the day. It’s a way to earn money and nothing more than that, I don’t have a career I just work to make ends meet. I’ll still try and better myself, gain skills and improve my job possibilities. My social life and relationships with my friends and family are what are more important.

As long as I’m happy…

Something I meant to post yesterday:

I’m writing this at work, so forgive me for maybe sounding a little all over the place, but I’m a bit uneasy about things here. The Office Manager has just told me we are to expect a letter to arrive today which may seal my fate. We have been tendering for a contract for the past year or so, it’s a large contract which I think will make or break the company. Basically most of the work we do with police forces throughout the UK is going to be involved in this new contract and if we don’t get any work from it, quite a lot of the work we currently do is going to dry up. My involvement being the ‘Contract Administrator’ would be overseeing each task that comes in, doing the paperwork for it, making sure the work is completed by the date needed and sending the job back out again. It would basically mean my workflow would increase, possibly being too much for one person to deal with, and I would have a reason to be employed after all this was the reason I got the job back in April! If we don’t get the contract (or not a lot of it if we did manage to snag a percentage) then I would most likely be out of a job. Again.

I’m obviously worried about this. I don’t want to be out of another job. I really should sign my contract and get that handed in today. It’s a bit of a disappointment; I don’t think I’m ever going to feel secure in a job again after being made redundant from the last job. I’m always going to be on edge, expecting the worst, and just waiting to be told I’m no longer needed. I can’t even say I’m financially secure and will be okay, the money that I had saved up was spent on helping me out in the first few months of last year and when I got paid from this job it was being put towards paying my mum when she helped me out with car insurance. Getting made redundant was a real knock back and blow to the system. It totally screwed things up for me and turned things upside down. I had always been fine with my money and savings until I had to use that to cover myself and I’m really only just starting to recover. I think January’s pay will be the first I’m not paying back someone with. To have another possible redundancy hanging over my head isn’t what I need right now, and why is it always at the worst time of year; Christmas last time and now New Year.

There have been a lot of other negative impacts since then too. I have lost a lot of confidence; in myself and in my abilities and work. I felt that I wasn’t good enough for the other jobs that I applied for, and subsequently got rejected because I didn’t sell myself well. I still feel I’m not good enough for many jobs, and even this one I’m in now. Having ended up in a job that a school leaver could do and is really simple has also knocked any confidence I had left. I’m in a situation that isn’t going to get better unless I leave for a job with better opportunities and progression.

I’ve been miserable and unhappy and pessimistic, brought on by not being employed but which has never left my side. I always see the negative side to everything and it has created awkward situations and arguments, which shouldn’t have happened. I get grumpy easily and I’m pretty sure it’s to do with having a job I’m not entirely happy in and feeling like a failure. I have no goals to try and achieve and that makes me feel useless in a way.

I’m just beginning to sort myself out. The redundancy hit me harder than I realised and I’ve only just found out the extent of it. Having to face all of that again is something I’m not looking forward to, however I have a good support network around me who will help me whenever I need it, and I’ve managed once, I’m pretty sure I can survive it again.

Perhaps this will be the time to start updating my CV, just in case. It seems I’ll never know if I’m there to stay in any job.

The letter didn’t turn up in the end, we’re expecting it on Monday, so I have a weekend to worry about things, get myself worked up, and look at alternative employment because knowing my luck it will be bad news. For now, I can only wait and see.

Work has been extremely hard today and I don’t know why but my mind was all over the place and I couldn’t concentrate on work. I think it might have something to do with the conversation Mark and I had yesterday, about sharing a flat and my money problems. I know he is right but I can’t help feeling disappointed by it all. It felt like such a quick and easy way to solve my problems, but that’s just it, it’s also the thing I don’t want, it’s like I’d be escaping my problems through the week but I know I’d be back at my mums every weekend to check everything is ok. I’d be making more problems than solving them. It’s not the right time for me, I haven’t got the finances to do anything drastic, I’m sure when it’s the right time things will sort themselves out in the end.

I need some serious motivation – to start saving some money, to stop biting my nails, to just do something with my life. I seem to be stuck in a rut and can’t move forward. My life is beginning to feel likes it’s on hold. Everyone around me seems to be moving on; either coming out of relationships, getting in to new ones or just moving their relationship up a gear. They are getting new jobs, promotions, learning new skills or changing career. I’m stuck, not doing anything and seem to be hanging in limbo land. It’s like I’m hanging on to the end of a rope, scared of heights, and not wanting to look up or down. I just close my eyes and hope that when I open them I’m safe. I’m motionless.

I don’t think this is all due to the new year, it’s more than that. I have felt sort of stale for a good few months. But then I say this all the time and never do anything about it. I never help myself. So complaining is not going to get me anywhere. My job isn’t the greatest but I don’t look for a new one. I have no money but don’t save. I have no skills but won’t start college or take an evening course. So it’s my fault really that I feel this way.

I need someone to knock some sense into this brain, or even to give me a brain to actually use. You’d think if I was desperate to get out of this situation I’d be frantically doing everything I can to do just that. I guess I can’t want it that much or I’m just too lazy. Or both.

—–

Just because I like to jump on the bandwagon, I thought I’d do the quiz everyone else seems to be doing:

Your Life Analysis:

Life: Your life rating is a score of the sum total of your life, and accounts for how satisfied, successful, balanced, capable, valuable, and happy you are. The quiz attempts to put a number on the summation of all of these things, based on your answers. Your life score leaves room for improvement. You can make changes to improve your trouble areas, and this will bring you greater satisfaction. Focus on your weakest points and set about to change them. Do not delay your happiness and success.

Mind: Your mind rating is a score of your mind’s clarity, ability, and health. Higher scores indicate an advancement in knowledge, clear and capable thinking, high mental health, and pure thought free of interference. Your mind score is not bad, but could be improved upon. Your mental health is not weak, but you are not achieving full mental clarity and function. Learn how to unclutter your mind. Keep learning, keep improving, continue moving forward.

Body: Your body rating measures your body’s health, fitness, and general wellness. A healthy body contributes to a happy life, however many of us are lacking in this area. Your body score is fairly average, which means there is room for improvement. Keep a focus on your physical health. Protect your body as it is your most valuable physical asset. Nutrition, stress reduction, and exercise are key.

Spirit: Your spirit rating seeks to capture in a number that elusive quality which is found in your faith, your attitude, and your philosophy on life. A higher score indicates a greater sense of inner peace and balance. You seem to be lacking in spirit. Improve your score by refining your beliefs and searching for answers to philosophical questions. Consider new belief systems if your current beliefs are not rewarding you.

Friends/Family: Your friends and family rating measures your relationships with those around you, and is based on how large, healthy, and dependable your social network is. Your friends and family score suffers, yet it does not need to be this way. Strengthen your social network by reaffirming old bonds. Seek out new friendships, and they will provide you the reward you need.

Love: Your love rating is a measure of your current romantic situation. Sharing your heart with another person is one of life’s most glorious, terrifying, rewarding experiences. Your love score is in good shape, meaning that things are going well. Do all you can to maintain it, and continue to grow and move ahead.

Finance: Your finance rating is a score that rates your current financial health and stability. Your finances are somewhat in the middle, neither bad or exceptional. Keep doing what works for you, and improve what doesn’t. Focus on long-term financial stability as your goal.